Episode 13 - My Decision Re Anonymous v Non-Anonymous Donors

Hello and welcome to 'My Donor Egg IVF Journey – Raw + In Real Time'.   

I am Claudine, your podcast host. I want to share my Donor Egg IVF journey via my podcast in the hope that my experience will help others.  This is our safe holding space. If you haven’t already listened to Episode 1, my introduction, please do so.   

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In this episode, episode 13 of my podcast, I will discuss what my partner and I chose in that regard, as well as feedback from real people supporting the reasons behind their decisions. 

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Claudine Xx 

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Transcript

0:03

Welcome to my donor egg IVF Journey Raw and in real time. I'm Claudine, your podcast host. I want to share my donor egg IVF journey via my podcast in the hope that my experience will help you and others. This is your safe holding space, created with a heart-centered approach, a place to land to share all things related to donor egg conception. I want you to feel safe, supported, and informed during our shared journey. Now, let's start today's episode. If you haven't already listened to episode one of my podcasts, please do. You can listen to my journey in chronological order, thereby my episodes in the order that they're released. Alternatively, you can choose the episodes that appeal to you the most via their titles. The initial episodes of this podcast will get you up to speed and from thereafter, I'll update you in real time. Please pay attention to the disclaimer at the end of the show notes of this episode. By continuing to listen to this podcast. You understand and agree to that disclaimer in its entirety. Today's date is Wednesday, the 19th of March, 2025. In my last couple of episodes that is episode 11 and 12, I covered various factors relating to the subject of anonymous versus non-anonymous donors. In this episode, episode 13 of my podcast, I'll discuss what my partner and I chose in that regard, as well as feedback from real people supporting the reasons behind their decisions. I wanna note that we all have a unique story. Shaped by our experiences, values, and perspectives. It is for this reason that the decisions that we make are as varied as are the paths that we walk in life. Most of the time. There is no universal right or wrong choice that fits everyone. What matters most is that we choose what feels true and right for ourselves. We never truly know what it is like to live in the shoes of another. We can empathize, we can imagine, et cetera, but we haven't walked their journey or faced their challenges via their unique perspectives, just as they haven't walked ours. This is why passing judgment on someone else's choices overlooks the depth and nuance of their experiences. Judging someone's decisions through the lens of our own experiences can never truly reflect the complexities of their choices. By embracing our differences, respecting the individuality of others and practicing kindness, we can create a space where everyone can pursue what's best for them. Without fear of judgment, we create a more compassionate and understanding world. It is the differences between us that makes our world beautiful and inspiring. Okay, now let's move on to the topics of today's episode. Now, to begin with, I would like to share my personal experience regarding the choice between. Anonymous and non-anonymous egg donor. So for me, the decision was easy. It was instant. Um, from the start, I knew I wanted to go with a non-anonymous donor, as we discussed previously, that choice stemmed from my personal experiences. So my mother married my stepfather when I was a baby, and for years I believed that he was my biological father, and that belief was later corrected by my mother. she told me that. My biological father's name, um, mentioned that he was German, uh, that he lived in Germany, and she also informed me that I had two half sisters. However, she also told me not to speak about him, to anyone, and to treat my stepfather as my father in e in every outward sense. So, although my mother discouraged me from talking about my biological father, she occasionally reminisced about him. So I really did cherish those rare moments of openness, especially when she, she shared intriguing, um, anecdotes about him and their time together. But then on other occasions, um, she, however, spoke negatively about him. So despite not knowing. My father, my biological father, personally, I found myself feeling really protective of him during those instances. From the ages of around six to 15, I often thought about my biological father and my sisters, you know, I daydreamed about them. I even had dreams about them. And one vivid dream still stands out to this day. Like when I close my eyes, I can still picture it. Um, so during that dream, I dreamt that I was in the snow and that's. Probably because my mother mentioned that, you know, while she was living, living in Germany, it snowed there. So in that dream, I walked towards my father and sisters who were building a snowman. Yet, as I got closer, I realized I had no faces. And you know, when you, like now when you listen to it, now, it sounds, uh, unthreatening, you know, particularly listening to it as an adult. But as a child, I woke up frightened and unsettled. You know, I thought about that dream a lot. During that time, that is, um, yeah, I just had a deep yearning to meet my father and I had a lot of unanswered questions about him, you know, I fantasized about him. Um, I also felt a disconnect with my mother, and I assumed that I took after my father instead. And reflecting back, I realized that knowing my father was critical to fully understanding myself. that absence contributed to identity issues that I faced. Um, although there were other life experiences that also played a role in that. At age 15, I successfully tracked down my father and my sisters. Look, I really do firmly believe that things might have unfolded differently if my mother had been more open. For instance, if she'd shown me pictures, uh, shared more stories or created a safe space for me to express my thoughts and feelings as well as help me nag navigate those. So this brief account highlights how not knowing my biological father affected me. And while there's a lot more to the story, it provides you with some insight into why I favor a non-anonymous donor. So when I ask my partner for his opinion, you know, on anonymous versus non-anonymous donors, he initially leaned towards an anonymous donor due to. It's lower cost. Um, I shared my exper like he already knew, um, about my background. But, you know, I further highlighted my experiences regarding my biological father. Um, and of course, having grown up with his biological father, he couldn't fully relate to my experience, but he understood my perspective and ultimately he agreed to opt for a non-anonymous donor. So now moving on from that experience, I will read you feedback from real people supporting the reasons behind their decisions in regards to anonymous versus non-anonymous donors. So what I'll do is I'll provide comments from two people who chose anonymous and two people who chose non-anonymous. So comment one for anonymous. I chose anonymous because we did it in Europe and the place we went to doesn't do any open. I'm okay with that as I didn't like the whole picking the donor or seeing how they look. Comment number two for anonymous. We chose anonymous because our donor pool at our clinic was only anonymous. But is anything really anonymous with DNA testing kits now anyhow. Comment number one for non-anonymous. We chose open id. My husband was not as set on the need for it as I was. I figure a child has a right to know their story and the donor is part of it. Comment number two, for non-anonymous. I figure if this little girl gets anything from me, it'll be a healthy sense of curiosity. I didn't think it was my right to limit access to that information. We chose open at 18. We may look for siblings or clues earlier. Maybe she'll want to know more. Sorry. Maybe she'll never want to know more. Maybe she will. I just want to be as transparent as possible. So that concludes today's episode. Please tune into the next episode of this podcast where I will delve into the topic of DNA testing and its relevance for donor conceived children. Thank you for sharing your time with me. From my heart to yours, sending healing energy to all of my listeners.