Episode 4 - Initial Emotions + Decision to Take Action

Hello and welcome to 'My Donor Egg IVF Journey – Raw + In Real Time'.   
    

I am Claudine, your podcast host. I want to share my Donor Egg IVF journey via my podcast in the hope that my experience will help others.  This is our safe holding space. If you haven’t already listened to Episode 1, my introduction, please do so.   

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In this episode, episode 4 of my podcast, I share with you the rollercoaster of emotions that I felt upon finding out I may have to take the donor egg journey. Additionally the thoughts that invaded my mind and the first decision that I made, 

Thank you for stopping by. Please follow me if you are on a similar journey or are interested in the Donor Egg experience,    

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Thank you for sharing your time with me. From my heart to yours, sending healing energy to all of my listeners. 🤍  
     
Claudine Xx 

Transcript

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Welcome to my Donut Egg IVF journey, raw and in real time. I'm Claudine, your podcast host. I want to share my Donut Egg IVF journey via my podcast, in the hope that my experience will help you and others. This is your safe holding space, created with a heart centered approach. A place to land to share all things related to Donut Egg conception. I want you to feel safe, supported and informed during our shared journey. Now let's start today's episode. If you haven't already listened to episode one of my podcast, please do. My recommendation is that my episodes are listened to in the order that they're released. But of course, it's up for you to decide how you go about listening to my podcast in that regard. The initial episodes of this podcast, we'll get you up to speed. And from thereafter, I'll update you in real time. Today's date is Friday the 17th of January, 2025. At the conclusion of our last podcast episode, I stated that I'll share with you what transpired in the week or so following the consultation. Uh, the consultation during which the donor egg pathway was suggested to me. So I'll still do that. However, that will be covered during this episode, episode four of this podcast and the next episode, episode five of this podcast. Now, following that consultation, I was on a roller coaster of emotions, as you can imagine. So I dipped in and out of varying emotions. Um, as well as feeling numb. So some of the emotions I felt were shocked, hurt, disappointed, grief, anxiety, fear. Android. So in terms of feeling shocked, like I felt shocked by the news. So the news was beyond the scope of my imagination. It was totally unexpected. My fertility specialist had just dropped a bomb on me. In regards to hurt. I actually felt. Both emotional and physical hurt. So, have you ever felt like your heart was actually breaking into paces? Um, you know, maybe you felt it in the past when you lost something that you loved. Uh, perhaps when someone delivered bad news to you. Maybe you felt it when someone said something hurtful to you. That initial sharp pain in your heart, followed by a dull ache. You know, the prelude before the emotions take over, you. That's what I felt. The new years. Made me distressed. And then those that feeling. Um, further manifested into further negative feelings. Disappointment. So in hindsight, I understand why my fertility specialist suggested the donor egg pathway. And now I'm grateful that he did. However. At the time. And then following that period that it was suggested to me. I felt disappointed in my fertility specialist. I had expected him to guide and help me full pregnant and to have a baby. So that's a baby with my own eggs. I had hoped that he would do everything in his power to do that. Hey instead suggested the Dharna EG pathway. He instead. Refused at the very least to conduct up-to-date fertility testing. As I had requested. In regards to grief. So from a young age. Girls are told that we have the ability to fall pregnant. So we're told that we could one day have a family of our own. Some goes developing to women who don't want to have children. Other girls, they develop into women who longed to have children. So I fell into the letter. Now, following that consultation with my fertility specialist, during which, you know, the donor egg pathway was suggested to me, following that, I grieved the loss of my power of the choice to have a baby. A choice that I believed I possessed since I was a little girl. A choice that I believed was my human right. I grave to the unborn biological child or children that I just lost. Anxiety fear and dread. So. Various thoughts, race through my mind. Stupid may. Why did I leave having a baby so late in my life? What does my partner think of me now? Does he really want his child to have the Janes of his stranger or random person? Where do I even start this donor egg Janey? Then in regards to overseas clinics. How do I find them? How can I confirm that they're legitimacy? What if I choose a dodgy clinic? Then in terms of costs, like I know in the last episode I went over. The costings are that my fertility. Specialist described to me. But that was just a rough estimate. So my questions were, how much will this cost? How can I afford it? Then there was, how long will this process take? How old will I be when I have a baby? Will it feel like my baby. Well, we connect. Will I form an attachment to the baby. If the baby does not have my genes. Will the baby even resemble me. Will the baby possess some of my traits will the baby eventually height. That is decision that I made. Will my baby hate me. Most importantly, Will the baby be psychologically impacted by my decision. Let's be realistic. Will it even work? Will I ever have a baby? Do I have the strength to do this? I'd only just overcome the extremely stressful period over the years, 20 21, 20 22 and most of 2023. Do I even want to have a baby from donor eggs? I'm dreading having to face what comes next. Now, during therapy, I learned how to. POS therapy that is. I learnt how to process my feelings rather than shut them down. I thought to do that. I calmed down somewhat, but I could not completely shake my anxiety. So I've always been a person who has preferred the comfort that comes in knowing. What is in store for me in the future. The unknown in that regard made me anxious. If I dwelled on it too much. So as a child, there were long periods where I felt unsafe and I believe that's where, you know, those feelings and those beliefs, uh, stems from. I like to feel secure. I like to feel safe. Not knowing is scary. So for those of you, or for most of you who were suggested, um, to pursue the donor egg journey, all for those of you who have experienced, uh, trying to conceive. You can relate to me when I say that there's an element of uncertainties surrounding these experiences. Affect is that people fear things or situations that make them feel unsafe or unsure. On the contrary knowledge is power. I felt I had to take action. I had to learn more about the donor egg pathway. I needed to know what my options were and they can inform decision about what to do next. Procrastination feeds fear. Action. Cures fear. So tune into the next episode of this podcast where I'll share the immediate action that I took next. Thank you for sharing your time with me. From my heart to yours, sending healing energy to all of my listeners.